As some people know, when I am not running a small ministry, writing, grandmothering, stepparenting, gardening, or cooking, I run a group on Facebook called Not All Catholics Are Roman…But All Catholics Are One. This little fictionpiece is purely for their amusement, but anyone else who wishes may enjoy and share it.

MAJOR ARCHEOLOGICAL DISCOVERY DISCUSSED AT CHURCH EVENT

For years, The 1000 Fragment from the NACAR dig has perplexed Catholic scholars and archeologists alike, yet another mysterious piece of the puzzle of this intriguing group that existed prior to the Great Union of Churches.

In 2150, a little known scholar, Jane Little-Fizzywig,  from the Antioch New Evangelical Catholic Church made a report at the Great Union Family Festival that “with the cover of the Convergent Streams Magazine showing a triumphant crowned Mary, both a Norvus Ordo original missal and a Roman missal from 1935, along with hundreds of dolls of children in various poses, it is my hypothesis that this site represents an early 20th century Marianist community dedicated to the promotion of fertility. I would suggest that the frequent appearance of sculptures of the species of dog we know today as Choweenie is representative of the great guard dogs of ancient times, the chihuahua.

We have archeological evidence of several Mayan and Aztec rulers owning these ferocious and loyal animals, many of the rulers in the kingdom of Hollywood,  and I see no reason why it is not conceivable that yes, the Virgin Mary lived in great splendor with these chihuahua dogs as guardians just as any other ruler in ancient times did. Sadly, it will be left to the next generation, when the Nuclear Damage Agency reopens Maryland, to verify the conclusions of our research. Would that I could be there when the hermetic seal to the kingdom of Mary, granted by her son, King James the Just, King of England and Scotland, brother of the Lord, is finally able to be studied by researchers!”
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At the next day’s session, Pope Yasmin X from the Roman Catholic Church issued a statement granting Romans the right to place small statues of chihuahuas alongside statues of Queen Mary, making that denomination the 420th of the Great Union to acknowledge the role of chihuahuas as guardians in ancient times.

As in previous years, the Saint Pius Society Sothern Confrence Catholic Church denounced the practice of chihuahua statues as being a “novel innovation not in keeping with the ancient church tradition”. 120 denominations have done so this year, bring the total to 312 who do not support the use of chihuahua statues.

During the general council, 2,100,000 Catholics from 1,524 denominations voted over the internet for a re reading of the Apostle’s Creed, a slight increase over last year.  After the reading, a motion was made that since there was nothing for or against the matter of chihuahuas being the guardian dogs of Queen Mary in the creed, the question could be determined on a denominational level. The motion was seconded, and approved by a final vote of 1,543,456,789 to 1,233,432,678. As per the canons of the Great Union, no denomination may interfere, bother, or demean any other denomination’s use or non use of the representation of chihuahuas in sacred art.

To this day, the meaning of the fragment, the purpose of the metal rings, and whether the faint blue lines are of linguistic meaning, artistic representations, or incidental marks all remain mysteries.

In other news from the site, a skeleton of a man and a woman, each resting in the metal chairs called Lenovos, were discovered along with the remains of two dogs that dna tests may confirm were some ancestor between the ancient chihuahua and today’s choweenie.  Amoung the unusual artifacts surrounding the couple were remants of book bindings, shiny flexible metallic pieces of material with “Pop tarts” imprinted on it, and two small metal cans with label fragments saying “Ensure”. Dr. Robert Lookeater, director of the dig site operations stated “It is entirely possible that this couple may be the ones that collected the writings of St. Julian of Norwich. What relation they have to the unnamed Franciscan, whose writings are being reconstructed, is unkown, but from the writings reconstructed so far, it appears the Franciscan may have been this couple’s  cook and gardener.

The NACAR site is located in the crator of the Methuen Volcano which arose from the ground and erupted on the evening of June 26, 2040. It is most famous for containg some 5,820 documents by an unknown writer called The Franciscan or The Half Nun. The documents range from sermons, a history of the church, poems, short stories, letters to various people, and drawings of chihuahuas, to recipies, engineering plans, lists of inventory, and what appear to be sewing directions.

The site also contained the single largest collection of floral and vegetable seeds, each preserved in small white envelopes. The reintroduction of the marygold plant was begun in 2142 and so far has produced blooms in rust, burgundy, orange and yellow. The mysterious Dandelion Wine, so prevalent in documents found in the Nashville Dig Site, may have been the sacramental wine for Churches on the Eastern part of the Americas continent, but extactly how is was made remains a mystery. Last year’s council overwhelmingly approved that the planting of the dandelions will be a piority in Maryland once it is reopened, to give greater glory to King James for his gift to our Lady of this small, yet reportedly beautiful kingdom.

This is a work of fiction. Any coincidence to people or places, real or otherwise, are purely the imaginings of an Old Catholic writer with too many Doonsbury and Garfield comics.

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